Thoughtless - insufficiently alert : devoid of thought : lacking concern for others : rude and inconsiderate behavior
Perhaps the most ill-considered sentence ever to breach my lips was aimed at a TSA agent in a time-critical moment of frustration. It was shortly after 9/11 and the airports were still in disarray. I was on military travel orders, and due to the increased security measures, I was late. For some reason, I was pulled aside, patted down and questioned at length by a TSA agent. I didn't want to miss my flight, and I felt that I needed to convince them I wasn't a terrorist. Sooo, I thought I'd speed things up a bit by informing him, "Dude, I carry bombs on aircraft for a living..."
As it turns out, if you are hoping to expedite the process - this is NOT the right thing to say to a TSA agent, not ever. Not even if it IS an accurate description of your job. The only thing that saved me was the fact that even a real terrorist would never say something so incredibly stupid, not even if you water-board them.
|How I intended to portray myself.|
|What TSA heard.|
From that time on I have restricted myself to simple greetings and pleasantries while traveling, thus removing myself from the long list of thoughtless peoople who seem to possess an affinity for air travel. I will point out some of my least favorite travelers - because if I can change just one person's behavior by shaming them, it will be worth it. As I am not currently in the presence of a TSA agent, I will skip the pleasantries and call it like I see it.
Here are just some of the folks who make air travel as much fun as walking to your destination (barefoot):
Chubby McButterpants - If chunks of your body spill onto or over the armrest, you should not fly coach. (You should also try eating a carrot every once in a while.) I feel you should have to buy two seats; after all it seems that you can afford twice as much food as the rest of us.
|If she sits next to YOU, look at the bright side...|
she probably brought some extra snacks!
|There were drink cart issues, no doubt.|
Joe Bags - He or she is the idiot who brings excessive carry-on luggage in order to save a little time and/or $25. Sure, they used a bungee cord to "combine" four pieces of luggage, but there is a finite amount of overhead space and they took the lion's share.
|he needs to wear this|
|Hooray, you did it!|
|Terrible. Try again.|
"I Forgot How to Dress Myself" guy - If you are over the age of three, you should have to comb your hair and wear your big boy clothes in order to board an airplane, and I don't care if your wife isn't there to dress you. NEWSFLASH: Unless you own your own jet, PJs and sweats are not considered appropriate for air travel (even if they have Chuck Norris pictures all over them). By the way, this fad of being "nap ready" wherever you go (not just in airports) is the social equivalent of your self-esteem waving a white flag. Maybe you should just emblazon "I Give Up on Life" on a potato sack and wear that.
|NOT OK to Board. In fact, someone please punch this guy in the throat.|
|Technically, as a member of the lingerie football league, she is in her work uniform. Sure, I know she isn't wearing a tie, but this is my blog, and I'm going to have to say "OK to Board" on this one.|
Zone Ninjas - The rough Hebrew translation of 'Zone 8' or 'Zone C' is: "you're screwed". You have been deemed less favorable than every other zone. Actually, you are THE LEAST PREFERRED customers of that airline. Just so you know, if the plane goes down in the Andes, you will most likely be eaten first - even before the remaining peanuts and the customers from better zones who are already dead. You are destined for a middle seat and your bags ain't gonna make it into the overhead, just deal with it or get a frequent flyer card.
Now please do
Why the mob mentality? There aren't any TVs to loot down that jet-way.
Note: Perhaps the biggest jerks in the airport are the "Zone Frauds". These are the dishonest few who attempt to board in an earlier zone. May you all someday experience the following shame:
|The snot bubble says it all.|
Parents, a piece of advice - Benadryl. (Don't worry, the rest of us won't say anything if your child isn't quite 6 yet.)
Frequent flyers, your word is - BoseQuietComfort
Last minute add-on: Parent of the Continually Kicking the Back of My Seat Kid - Instead of repeatedly and politely asking you to have your little monster stop; someday I'm gonna snap, come over that seat.
First Class - I don't know why I don't like you... after all, I want to be up there with you. I'll think of a reason later, snobs.
|Betcha THEY have Grey Poupon.|
As you can tell, I am just scratching the surface here, but I realize that most people who read blogs suffer from severe ADHD. If you made it this far, all I can say is NICE WORK! That was a lot of reading and there were even a couple big words in there! You probably want to go update your Facebook status or look at pictures of puppies. Oh look, there you go! (I aim to please.)