Friday, December 28, 2012


Thoughtless insufficiently alert : devoid of thought : lacking concern for others : rude and inconsiderate behavior 
Perhaps the most ill-considered sentence ever to breach my lips was aimed at a TSA agent in a time-critical moment of frustration.  It was shortly after 9/11 and the airports were still in disarray.  I was on military travel orders, and due to the increased security measures, I was late.  For some reason, I was pulled aside, patted down and questioned at length by a TSA agentI didn't want to miss my flight, and I felt that I needed to convince them I wasn't a terrorist.  Sooo, I thought I'd speed things up a bit by informing him, "Dude, I carry bombs on aircraft for a living..."

As it turns out, if you are hoping to expedite the process - this is NOT the right thing to say to a TSA agent, not ever.  Not even if it IS an accurate description of your job.  The only thing that saved me was the fact that even a real terrorist would never say something so incredibly stupid, not even if you water-board them.

How I intended to portray myself.
What TSA heard.

 From that time on I have restricted myself to simple greetings and pleasantries while traveling,  thus removing myself from the long list of thoughtless peoople who seem to possess an affinity for air travel.  I will point out some of my least favorite travelers - because if I can change just one person's behavior by shaming them, it will be worth it.  As I am not currently in the presence of a TSA agent, I will skip the pleasantries and call it like I see it.

Here are just some of the folks who make air travel as much fun as walking to your destination (barefoot):

 Chubby McButterpants -  If chunks of your body spill onto or over the armrest, you should not fly coach.  (You should also try eating a carrot every once in a while.)  I feel you should have to buy two seats; after all it seems that you can afford twice as much food as the rest of us. 

If she sits next to YOU, look at the bright side...
she probably brought some extra snacks!

There were drink cart issues, no doubt.

Joe Bags - He or she is the idiot who brings excessive carry-on luggage in order to save a little time and/or $25.  Sure, they used a bungee cord to "combine" four pieces of luggage, but there is a finite amount of overhead space and they took the lion's share. 

he needs to wear this
"Me Luggage no Fit" guy -  This moron is a close and inbred relative of Joe Bags.  Even simple geometric shapes and sizes crush his or her simple circuit mind.  Lacking all situational awareness, they don't even realize there are other passengers on the plane and they have determined that the overhead compartment was custom built for their stuff alone.  Despite repeated announcements not to do this:  they selfishly occupy the entire space by putting every piece of their luggage in SIDEWAYS, as well as their purse, retail bags, outerwear, etc.  If you are one of these people I offer the following pictures.  (Even a sea monkey can figure it out with pictures!)

Hooray, you did it!

Terrible.  Try again.

"I Forgot How to Dress Myself" guy - If you are over the age of three, you should have to comb your hair and wear your big boy clothes in order to board an airplane, and I don't care if your wife isn't there to dress you.  NEWSFLASH:  Unless you own your own jet, PJs and sweats are not considered appropriate for air travel (even if they have Chuck Norris pictures all over them).  By the way, this fad of being "nap ready" wherever you go (not just in airports) is the social equivalent of your self-esteem waving a white flag.  Maybe you should just emblazon "I Give Up on Life" on a potato sack and wear that. 

NOT OK to Board.  In fact, someone please punch this guy in the throat.

Technically, as a member of the lingerie football league, she is in her work uniform.  Sure, I know she isn't wearing a tie, but this is my blog, and I'm going to have to say "OK to Board" on this one.   

Zone Ninjas - The rough Hebrew translation of 'Zone 8' or 'Zone C' is:  "you're screwed".    You have been deemed less favorable than every other zone.  Actually, you are THE LEAST PREFERRED customers of that airline.  Just so you know, if the plane goes down in the Andes, you will most likely be eaten first - even before the remaining peanuts and the customers from better zones who are already dead.  You are destined for a middle seat and your bags ain't gonna make it into the overhead, just deal with it or get a frequent flyer card. 

Now please do zones less than 8 everyone else a favor and sit down so the rest of us can board without having to weave our way through you.  Trust me, your not-so-covert geographical repositioning in front of the gate isn't going to earn you a better seat, and the gate agent isn't going to forget how to count or "mix it up a little" by skipping to your crappy zone first.  This rule applies for the people in zones 3-7 too.

Why the mob mentality?  There aren't any TVs to loot down that jet-way.

Note:  Perhaps the biggest jerks in the airport are the "Zone Frauds".  These are the dishonest few who attempt to board in an earlier zone.  May you all someday experience the following shame:

The snot bubble says it all.
Non-Stop Crying Kid - I understand little fella, you're scared, you want to move around and play, but Mommy won't let you.  There is a good reason for that, cowpoke... the rest of us want to throw you off the airplane.  Now please go to sleep or watch Barney!   (Though not under the category of "thoughtless idiot", these ankle-biters are my second least favorite traveling companions - right before terrorists armed with box cutters)

Parents, a piece of advice - Benadryl(Don't worry, the rest of us won't say anything if your child isn't quite 6 yet.)
Frequent flyers, your word is - BoseQuietComfort 

 Last minute add-on:  Parent of the Continually Kicking the Back of My Seat Kid - Instead of repeatedly and politely asking you to have your little monster stop; someday I'm gonna snap, come over that seat. 

First Class - I don't know why I don't like you... after all, I want to be up there with you.  I'll think of a reason later, snobs.

 Betcha THEY have Grey Poupon.
I haven't forgotten you "Mr. Still Covertly Using my Cell Phone During Takeoff" or you "Mrs. Too Clueless to Stand on the Right Side of the Moving Walkway" or you "Mr. Take up Three Seats at the Gate" I'll get to you later. 

As you can tell, I am just scratching the surface here, but I realize that most people who read blogs suffer from severe ADHD.  If you made it this far, all I can say is NICE WORK!  That was a lot of reading and there were even a couple big words in there!  You probably want to go update your Facebook status or look at pictures of puppies.  Oh look, there you go!   (I aim to please.)




  1. I enjoy your writing style, but your taste in appropriate dress for boarding is a bit in question. Now get your brain tucked back and zip up. Women's brains (oh, and they _do_ have them) are located in a different area of the anatomy.

  2. Ha! Thanks for the input. I have a weakness for professional women in lingerie though - with or without the tie.

    As far as the rest of the people are concerned, I keep my mouth shut on the flight and then I bury my distaste for inconsiderate people down deep. After a while it builds up and when I write, it comes out. That is why I have two/three blogs: Professional Me, Good Me and Kinda Evil Me. Funny thing is, Evil Me gets the most hits!