Thursday, December 20, 2012

"Hey Moron, There is a Scrotum on Your Truck. Seriously, Why?"

mo·ron  n.   A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. The word is no longer used due to negative connotation associated with it, unless of course a person decides to attach fake testicles to their vehicle.

Was the title of the post enough to grab your attention?  Well sadly, that is the intent of anyone who decides to display a giant, fake scrotum on the back of their ride.  What THEY don't realize is that their vehicle is now the flagship for their social incompetence.

What would compel someone to make such a purchase?  It is the social equivalent of dancing the macarena and it would be a lot easier and cheaper if they just bought a sharpie and scribbled "Me Dumb" on their forehead.  

 Let's figure out the real cost though:      

New Ford F-250 Super Duty - $50,000
Redneck Convenience Package - $4,000
Lift Kit and Oversized Tires - $6,000

Cost of TruckNuts - Who knows...  (What is a person's dignity and self-esteem going for these days?)    

Seriously?  I don't even know where to start.
If I were an FBI profiler tracking a killer who was last seen speeding away from the crime scene in a truck equipped with an enormous set of huevos swaying back and forth - and that was my ONLY lead, this would be my profile of that killer:

Most likely a white male, aged 18-46.  (Seriously, have you ever seen anything else?)
Probably holds a blue collar job.  (Hey, don't get offended, it explains the truck) 
Doesn't pay for his own gas.  (...and this would explain speeding anywhere with a diesel.)  
Impulsive, lacks good judgment.  (I'm guessing you don't talk this purchase over with the wife)
Low intelligence, moronic(Dude, you bought testicles!)
Little to no social skills.  (It goes without saying)
Insecure, continually seeks approval, but fails.  (Guess what buddy, the TruckNuts ain't gonna help)
Likely suffers from E.D.  (Compensates for lack of virility by open display large reproductive organs)
"Not overly endowed"(Just a hunch Boss)  

That's the guy!  Guilty(Case closed)

But to each, his own.  You gotta forgive some people their faults and these guys probably don't know any better.  Let them go home in their giant truck, crack open a PBR, and pet their pitbull. 

Caviat:  The only cars that COULD use a set of large testicles are Mazda Miatas, Smart Cars, VW Beetles, and all Fiats.

Observations & Lessons Learned:  I have been described as a Redneck by others, because I have a Southern accent, love to hunt/fish, and even though it is a Toyota, I equipped my FJ with oversized tires.  TruckNuts is a fad is one that we will all make fun of in the near future.  Despite what others suggest, I do not think they should be illegal.  I feel it is important to maintain our freedom of expression.  Besides, it makes it easier for us all pick out the morons driving among us.  

 If you were "on the fence" as to whether to put some to put on your truck or car, I am trying to persuade you not to commit this social blunder.  Just rust me on this, do not.  (Put a propeller back there or something."Friends don't let friends drive with TruckNuts."

If you need further proof or doubt my profiling abilities, I provide the following:

TruckNuts Propoganda

Don't waste more than 3 minutes of your life watching this one. 




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